The Sex Talk: When, How, + Why To Have It In Dating
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Hi, friends! Well, it happened again. The Bachelor has inspired yet another one of my Podcast Episodes. Here's the breakdown: Bachelor Peter and Madison are headed towards the fantasy suites (we all know what that means...cough...cough). Which also means they're just one week away from a possible engagement, and Madison has not told Peter she's waiting until marriage to have sex. Why? Umm...probably because it can feel like a super hard and awkward conversation to have. I have zero judgement for Peter or Madison--moreso what it made me realize was just how common it is to feel unequipped to navigate a conversation around sex and physical boundaries in your dating relationship.
So I thought I'd use the opportunity to talk with you about just that. A.k.a. We're having the sex talk on the podcast today!! Are you waiting for marriage to have sex? Not sure when to bring up physical boundaries in dating? Or how? P.S. Wanna listen to our other Bachelor/Bachelorette related episodes? Check them out here and here. Oh, and remember that time one of The Bachelors was on the podcast?? Check it out.
Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn't having sex until marriage:
Fear of rejection
I assumed if you were a Christian, you weren't having sex—I also thought everyone wore purity rings too.
I was shut down to my sexuality + desire—if I can't accept my own sexuality, how can I accept another, and how can I enter into an adult consensual relationship if I'm unwilling to talk about this stuff?
I didn't know my why so I was afraid of bringing it up because I couldn't really explain why except that's what Christians do.
3 things to think before you have 'the talk'
Know your why
The difference between: I'm not a smoker + I'm trying to quit.
Your decision has to be internally motivated
What does sex mean to me?
What is god's heart for intimacy + sex?
What is my heart for intimacy + sex?
Why or why not is this a value for me?
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
Assume nothing
Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries. No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus + choose to have pre-marital sex.
Zero shame
Rejection is protection!! It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger.
WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it's not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date.
3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on
Set yourself up for success
If you're not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.What didn't work for me…getting naked on the first date.
Be kind
If I'm getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it's in a sense being dishonest.
Create a culture of honesty + communication
The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication. As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It's an ongoing conversation. A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift. I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally. However, the more I've shared, the easier it's become. It's a non-issue for me. Here is what I say: "Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don't have sex until marriage + that's not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you're at + what you think!"
RESOURCES FOR NAVIGATING YOUR WHY?
Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!
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Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That's cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y'all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407
XO,
Kat
