The Refined Woman

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TRC REMIX: The Sex Talk: When, How + Why to Have it in Dating

Katherine Harris
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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #7. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix episode is a solo show. I’m talking about sex in dating— specifically when and how to bring up your physical boundaries in dating and why it’s important to have these honest and open conversations early on in dating. I share why I used to be afraid and ashamed to talk about my choice to abstain from sex and how I clearly communicate my boundaries from the get-go today shame free.

Disclaimer: In this episode, I am talking about specific people from the Bachelor franchise and I want you to know I have zero judgement for anyone that I mention— I just use these specific situations on the show in order to illustrate what I’m talking about! 


Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn't having sex until marriage:

  • Fear of rejection

  • Assumption.

  • Shut down to my sexuality.

  • I didn’t know my why.

3 things to think about before you have 'the talk'

  1. Know your why

  • Your decision has to be internally motivated

  • QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

    • What does sex mean to me?

    • How do you define sex? Why do you define it that way?

    • What is god's heart for intimacy + sex?

    • What is your heart for intimacy + sex?

    • Why or why not is this a value for me?

  1. Assume nothing

  • Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries. No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus and choose to have pre-marital sex. 

  1. Zero shame

  • Rejection is protection!! It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger. 


WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it's not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date. 

3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on

  • Set yourself up for success

    • If you're not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.What didn't work for me…getting naked on the first date. 

  • Be kind

    • If I'm getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it's in a sense being dishonest. 

  • Create a culture of honesty + communication aka: CONSENT IS SEXY!

 

The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication. As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It's an ongoing conversation. A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift. I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally. However, the more I've shared, the easier it's become. It's a non-issue for me. Here is what I say: "Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don't have sex until marriage + that's not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you're at + what you think!"

Resources:

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I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.