The Refined Woman

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Dating is a Curb, NOT a Cliff with Dr. Christie Kederian

Katherine Harris

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!


Dr. Christie Kederian is a psychologist and a former eHarmony matchmaker. She now offers coaching from everything to life, career, and dating/relationships. You may recognize her from when she took over my Instagram stories a while back. We talk about our reactions to Indian Matchmaking on Netflix, the science behind compatibility, removing the pressure from dating, and best practices for online dating.


“You can find two people who look like they could be a good match on paper… but we can’t predict all the factors because we’re dealing with people.”



The science behind compatibility 

  • Dr. Niel Clark Warren started eHarmony and researched the 29 dimensions of compatibility. 

  • “Even though they say opposites attract, often it’s people who are really similar in very important ways that end up having and creating long lasting love in a relationship.”

  • Consider...

    • How are we similar in important ways?

    • Personality tests like the Myers Briggs. The 2nd and 3rd letters in your Myers Briggs are a reflection of your internal world. The more these pieces are in alignment, the more compatible you are.

  • Don’t look for someone to complete you and fill in the missing pieces.


Let’s talk about spark and chemistry

  • “Ladies, if it’s peaceful it’s marriage material. If it’s got ‘I wonder if he’s going to text me back today’ energy; it’s trauma not yet healed.”

  • The #1 way to know if he’s the one for you: if he’s been consistent over time.

  • Know what is triggering your attachment style and learn to show up in wholeness

    • Notice where your mind is going and journal through and process what old narratives or traumas it is bringing up for you.

    • If you are seeking clarity, don’t be afraid to check in and talk about it— no matter how early on it is in the relationship. Clarity allows you to move forward and act out of a non-triggered place.

    • Notice patterns and then clarify. Are you making stories in your mind and acting on assumption?


Dating is a curb, not a cliff

  • You can date someone with integrity without fantasizing about the wedding on the first date and expecting full commitment from them immediately.

  • Get clear on what you want and then surrender to the process. If 2020 taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have as much control as I think.

  • Maybe you’re not getting naked with them physically, but are you getting naked emotionally on the first date? There is no shortcut to intimacy. 

  • “It’s ok to be dating and just be dating.” Not every relationship has to be exclusive.


Dating apps best practices

  • “The dating app is a tool; it’s more about how you use the tool rather than what’s the perfect app.”

  • Hinge, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel are all great. Give different apps a try.

  • If you’re in a bigger city, use the silver bullet swipe method.

    • What’s the most important quality you’re looking for?

  • Stick with the app that you feel comfortable being consistent on.


Resources


The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just a few weeks and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to grab your copy!

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